It's spo0oo0o0ky season, so in honor of this time of year, I'm going to write about a system I've had in place for a while but never really put into words (I did, however, create a diagram with some friends, but it was lost due to time and improper archiving skills). This system is a ghosting tier list. The term "Ghosting" is frequently used, but there's a whole spectrum of ways in which the term can be applied and various emotional implications, ranging from benign to extreme. Therefore, I propose developing a tiered system that details the degree and severity of ghosting.
Ghosting is a term frequently used in dating, especially on dating apps, when one person effectively "disappears" from the other person on messaging platforms or the dating app. The ambiguity I described earlier arises from the various ways one can be ghosted, which is why the tier list is essential. Obviously, this is a spectrum, and there are many scenarios, but I hope that by defining these categories, we can reduce confusion. Additionally, there's an ethical aspect to ghosting. Some ghosting doesn't raise ethical questions, but in some cases, it's entirely ambiguous. I should note that my experience is in men messaging women, and most of my data here is purely anecdotal. I'm sure that gender and sexuality dynamics vary, but I believe the tiers of ghosting remain the same, whether you're the ghost or the ghostee.
So, without further a-boo,, let's get into this.
Tier Zero - A Match
Is this even ghosting? Perhaps, but it's the mildest form of hauntings. I'm including it on this list, but it might not qualify as ghosting. I think a match on dating apps feels a bit like a specter because there's an acknowledgment of each other's existence, but neither party progresses. I'll take this opportunity to introduce the term "Caspering" (i.e., friendly ghosting), which is when both parties mutually ghost each other.
Tier One - No Reply
Tier one ghosting is likely the most common form when it comes to dating apps. It's when X sends a first message to Y, and Y doesn't respond. It's straightforward and common, emphasizing the importance of the initial message.
Tier 1.5 - Tier 1.5 is essentially the same concept as tier one, but Y messages back, and then the conversation ends because X doesn't reply or X replies to Y's response, and the conversation stops there.
For example:
X: Hey, how are you?
Y: Good, and you?
X: Good
This is a rather uneventful conversation. Tier 1.5 involves engaging with a match, but it's relatively shallow. While it technically qualifies as ghosting, saying "they ghosted me" feels hyperbolic.
Tier Two - Conversation Dropped
Tier Two occurs when the two parties are engaged in a conversation, but then one party ends the conversation. Tier 2 offers a wide range of possibilities, from just a few messages to a hundred or more. Essentially, it's a match in which neither party attempts a date or a meetup.
Tier Three - Hanging?
Tier 3 introduces more emotions and ethics. This is when X asks Y if they would like to meet in real life, and Y doesn't respond. This signifies Y's realization that they don't want to meet with X, leading to the conversation's end.
Tier Four - Planning Stage
Tier four occurs when both parties agree that meeting up could be fun, but during the planning stage, one party stops replying. This tier is the most tedious aspect of dating apps. If you find yourself in Tier Four and aren't very excited about the other party, ghosting can be a common occurrence here.
Tier Five - Cancel and Quit
Tier 5 can manifest in different ways, but it ultimately involves plans being made and then one party not following through. Examples of Tier 5 Ghosting include statements like:
"Hey, sorry, things got busy, can we reschedule?"
"I need to cancel for tonight, something came up."
"I'm not feeling well, can we reschedule for next week?"
After these statements are made, the canceler then ghosts, and the conversation is dropped. Another instance is if, on the day of the date, X messages Y, "Hey, are you still able to meet today?" after the plan has been made, and Y doesn't respond.
Tier Six - Physical Ghosting
Proper Ghosting is the most traditional form of ghosting, predating apps, and used to be called "getting stood up." This is when X arrives at the meeting place where the date was supposed to occur, and Y doesn't show up without an explanation. A lighter form of Tier Six is if, after the person is stood up, the Ghoster messages the Ghostee with an explanation, but there's no rescheduling or further communication.
Tier Seven - Post-Date Spookies
The seventh tier of Ghosting is unique because contact in the real world has been made, allowing the two parties to form a more detailed impression of each other. A couple of things can happen during a tier seven ghosting:
Pure ghosting: Neither party messages each other after the date, likely the result of Caspering.
Text Ghosting: X texts Y after the date, and Y never replies again.
Response Ghosting: Both parties acknowledge the date without making plans for the future, and then Y eventually stops replying.
A Hard 7 is when both parties plan to meet up again, but during the planning process, one party eventually ghosts the other. Again, this could be Caspering. There are numerous variables at play here, but this type of dynamic seems somewhat quantifiable, unlike…
Tier Eight - Frightening
Tier 8 comes into play during multi-date ghosting or post-physical intimacy. While Tier Seven is a one-date situation with an exit point, Tier Eight is when things become more interconnected. It's challenging to sort out this type of ghosting because it's complex and influenced by many more human factors than dating apps. I won't list all the possibilities, as these situations are highly complex, and there are myriad human factors at play.
To summarize the Ghosting Tier List on Dating Apps:
Tier 0 - Match
Tier 1 - One message
Tier 2 - Multiple messages
Tier 3 - Date suggestion
Tier 4 - Date Planning
Tier 5 - Bailing or canceling
Tier 6 - Stood Up
Tier 7 - Post-Date
Tier 8 - Multiple Dates
Anyway, I was going to discuss the “ethics” of ghosting, but I don't want to dedicate too much time to this topic. So that’s it!
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